Relationships are full of patterns—some that help us feel close and others that create frustration and distance. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same argument with your partner or wondered why certain conflicts seem to repeat, you’re not alone. These patterns, often called "interactional cycles," play a major role in how couples connect (or disconnect).

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers a powerful way to understand and change these patterns. By focusing on the emotions and needs that drive interactions, EFT helps couples break out of destructive cycles and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Here’s a deeper look at how identifying your relationship patterns can help transform your connection.

Why Patterns Matter in Relationships

In every relationship, partners develop ways of responding to each other, especially during conflict or stressful times. Over time, these responses become predictable patterns. Some patterns help partners feel loved and supported, but others can trap them in cycles of misunderstanding and hurt.

These negative patterns aren’t just random—they’re often tied to deeper emotional needs, fears, and past experiences. Recognizing them is the first step to breaking free.

Common Negative Interactional Patterns

Some patterns show up in many relationships. Here are the most common ones:

1. The Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

One partner (the pursuer) pushes for connection or reassurance, often through criticism or demands. The other partner (the withdrawer) retreats emotionally or physically, feeling overwhelmed or attacked.

Example:

• Partner A: “You never spend time with me anymore. Do you even care?”

• Partner B: “I’m so tired of this. You’re always nagging me.”

What’s happening here? The pursuer may feel insecure or lonely, while the withdrawer feels criticized and pulls away to protect themselves.

2. The Attack-Attack Cycle

Both partners are on the offensive, escalating conflicts and defending themselves. Neither feels heard, and the conversation spirals into blame and frustration.

Example:

• Partner A: “You’re so selfish. You only think about yourself.”

• Partner B: “Oh really? What about you? You never consider what I need!”

This cycle often leaves both partners feeling hurt and disconnected.

3. The Freeze-Freeze Cycle

Both partners withdraw, shutting down emotionally to avoid conflict. While this can reduce arguments in the short term, it leads to loneliness and a lack of connection.

Example:

• Partner A: (silent, scrolling on their phone)

• Partner B: (quietly watching TV)

Though there’s no yelling, neither partner feels seen or valued in this scenario.

Why Do These Patterns Happen?

Negative interactional patterns are often driven by deeper emotional needs. For example:

• The pursuer may be seeking reassurance, connection, or proof that they matter.

• The withdrawer might feel overwhelmed, fearful of criticism, or unsure how to respond.

These behaviors are shaped by past experiences, especially those related to attachment. If someone grew up feeling abandoned or unloved, they might fear losing their partner and become a pursuer. If someone learned to avoid conflict as a child, they might withdraw to protect themselves.

Unfortunately, these patterns create a vicious cycle. The more the pursuer pushes, the more the withdrawer retreats. The more the withdrawer pulls away, the more the pursuer feels rejected and escalates their efforts.

How Recognizing Patterns Can Help Your Relationship

Identifying your patterns is like shining a light on the invisible forces driving your conflicts. Once you see what’s happening, you can begin to respond differently.

Patterns Aren’t the Real Problem

It’s important to remember that your pattern is not the enemy—it’s simply a way your relationship has learned to cope with underlying fears and needs. By shifting the focus from blame to understanding, couples can work together to change these dynamics.

Patterns Reveal What You Both Need

Every interactional cycle is fueled by unmet emotional needs, such as the need to feel valued, loved, or safe. When you recognize the pattern, you can start to address those needs directly.

For example:

• The pursuer can express their longing for connection instead of using criticism.

• The withdrawer can share their need for calm or reassurance instead of shutting down.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

When couples interrupt their negative patterns, they create space for empathy and connection. This doesn’t mean you’ll never argue again, but it does mean you’ll have tools to repair and reconnect when conflicts arise.

Practical Steps to Identify and Shift Your Patterns

1. Notice When You’re Stuck in a Cycle

   The next time you and your partner are arguing, pause and ask yourself:

2. “What’s happening here?”

3. “Am I pursuing, withdrawing, or attacking?”

   Naming the pattern can help you step back and see the bigger picture.

4. Focus on Your Feelings

   Instead of getting caught up in the behavior, ask yourself:

5. “What am I feeling right now?”

6. “What do I need from my partner?”

   Sharing your emotions and needs can make the conversation less about blame and more about connection.

7. Talk About the Pattern TogetherOnce you’ve identified your cycle, discuss it with your partner. Use language that externalizes the cycle, such as, “It feels like we get stuck in this pursue-withdraw pattern when we argue. Can we try to understand it together?”

8. Practice EmpathyWhen your partner shares their feelings, try to listen without defending yourself. A simple response like, “I didn’t realize you felt that way. Thank you for telling me,” can go a long way.

9. Seek Support if NeededSometimes patterns feel too entrenched to change on your own. Couples therapy, especially approaches like EFT, can help you understand your dynamics and develop new ways of connecting.

   
   

Building a New Dynamic

No couple is immune to negative patterns. What sets thriving relationships apart is the willingness to recognize these cycles and work together to change them. By understanding your interactional patterns, you can break free from blame, deepen your emotional connection, and build a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and loving.

If you and your partner are feeling stuck, reaching out to a therapist trained in EFT can provide the guidance and tools you need. Remember, change is possible—and it starts with a single step toward understanding.

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Sources:

• Johnson, S. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (1985). Emotionally focused couples therapy: An outcome study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

• Wiebe, S. A., Johnson, S. M., Lafontaine, M. F., et al. (2017). Two-year follow-up outcomes in emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

• Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.